The List

When I was in youth group which now seems like at least one hundred years ago, I distinctively remember a night that Ron had taken us girls into the parish house conference room for a talk. When I say girls, its because there weren't many boys in our group at the time. We all sat around the table and he began to discuss the importance of making a list of the qualities we were looking for in a husband.  Then he said we should never settle for anything less than what was on it.  I'm sure there was a lot more spiritual significance to the talk, but all I remember hearing was to make as list of the qualities I wanted in the man I would marry.  I went home that night and tore open my journal and stuck the list inside.  Over time I built my list up to 61 items.  I was proud of it.  

Years later I met Glen and by the time we were wed, he had met all 61 requirements.  I've shared this story with most all the girls I've run across in my 13 years of ministry.  I add in the spiritual aspect as I now believe Ron probably had and I witness some of those girls faces lighting up.  About 6 years ago I spoke to our youth group girls about it, to my pleasant surprise one really took to heart what I was talking about.  Her name is Keira and she is a lovely young women.  I thought I would share with you a paper she wrote for English on the subject.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Keira Stewart

Mrs. Peterson

Eng. Comp. 101

Journal #6

Fergus

He might have bright blue eyes that are stunning and ethereal.  Or maybe his eyes are green.  His hair might be chestnut, or it might be red!  He is taller than me; his chin can rest on the top of my head.  He is loyal, faithful, trustworthy and considerate.  He is exceedingly smart.  I am often amazed by his cleverness and by his bright, witty humor.  His smile radiates warmth and honesty.  He is respectful, honorable, and gracious.  Most importantly, he loves the Lord and puts God before everything – even before me. His name is Fergus McRae and he is my soul mate.

When I was in sixth or seventh grade, one of my youth leaders named Tavia presented an interesting idea to the girls in my youth group.  She told us that she believed that all girls should make a list of qualities that we would want to be present in the man that we would marry.  She told us that, before she was married, she made a list of everything she wanted in a husband.  She had sixty-one items on her list.  The man she married (my youth pastor) met all of the items on her list except one:  he could not drive a stick shift.  After they were married, Tavia got in a really bad car accident and so they had to use another car.  The car they had to employ was a manual and my youth pastor had to learn how to drive it.  That meant that he met the missing quality from the list!  So technically, her husband was, eventually, everything she wanted.  She told us her story so we could that we could understand the usefulness and importance of having a “list.”  She explained to us that girls should make a list to verbalize and conceptualize their ideals.  When they begin dating or searching for a potential mate, it will not be as easy to settle for less than they deserve, this way.  My personal list contains “negotiables” and “non-negotiables.”  What color his hair and eyes are is not that important.  I may have a preference, but those things are not deal-breakers.  I call them “negotiables.”  Qualities dealing with his character and believe systems are “non-negotiables.”  They are not debatable.  A man that does not have a non-negotiable quality does not even become a candidate (even if his eyes are stunning and even if he does have rich chestnut hair). 

One day, during my freshman year, I named my list of qualities, “Fergus.” I liked that name.  I also gave him a last name: McRae.  Keira McRae – it flows.  My friend Brianna says, “You can’t just pick your husband’s name!”

“Why, not?” I say.  I laugh because I know she is right.  It is sort of silly.  Creating a list is not silly, however.  My youth leader, Tavia, completely changed the way I look at dating.  I am almost eighteen and I have never had a boyfriend.  All my friends know that I am very picky and would not choose just anyone to date.  They know that I am waiting for someone who has “Fergus-potential” and they know that I refuse to invest that kind of time into someone who the “list” obviously does not describe.

       While I am waiting for Fergus, I have time to work on my own character.  I have time to make friends, build relationships, and develop my own personality.  I have time to grow in my relationship with God and learn to put him above everything else – even Fergus.  I have time to make sure that I would be a suitable mate for someone else.  

The idea of the “list” was one of the most wonderful things I have ever heard.  I wish all more girls could have learned the lesson Tavia taught us that day.  Maybe it would give them the kind of hope and peace that it gave me.   

After reading this I was blown away that she had spent the last few years working on the list.  I began to realize that what Ron had shared on what seemed an insignificant wednesday night was actually very significant, it set me on a course for life and inturn has influenced generations to come.  Keira's life has been forever changed and she will add to the significance of that night long long ago.  Some of the younger girls have begun their lists and often bring their journals to show me what they have added and what they have crossed off.  We laugh together and I love to dream with them about their lives to come. You just never know what kind of impact you will have on someone else's life.  It makes me realize the responsibility we all have in the small moments God gives us, I hope I don't let them pass me by.